Day 17- What is the Most Difficult Thing I Have Had to Forgive?
This is easy for me.....TJ. I was so mad at him, I hated him, many of my friends and family STILL hate him. I found out I was pregnant and he just left me. He decided he wanted no part of it and then decided that since I did he would threaten me, verbally, and emotionally abuse me and to him...it was all ok. I can remember crying, hard. I can remember listening to him talk about the kind of parent that I would be for leaving Jayden with no dad. I can remember him telling me that he hoped that I died after surgery, telling me that he would hire someone to cut my break lines, and if he could kill me how he would do it. Mad or not, I remember all of those things. I remember him telling me how fat I would be after I had a baby and how ugly that would make me be. I cried about this....I cried because I was scared he would be right, I was scared that I couldn't do it without him, I was hurt that the person that I thought loved me back turns out didn't love me at all. After all of the things, the mean and the hurtful, I still let him come back right before she was born, I still gave him a chance and he blew it. I can remember hoping that he would do right, that he was just shocked in the beginning. Then I remember when the truth hit me...that this was the person that he is. That he wasn't going to change and that he didn't care and I decided that for mine and Jayden's sake, picking up and moving on was the best thing for us. I was mad and I was hurt and more than anything I was scared. I can say now that I don't hate him, I feel sorry for him. He is missing and has missed out on 5 wonderful years as a parent to Jayden. At the same time I think about how lucky we are that we have had the support and haven't needed him because after everything, and even though I feel sorry for him...he doesn't deserve to be in our lives. He doesn't deserve to know Jayden and how wonderful she is. He doesn't deserve to know what her favorite things to do are and what her laugh and voice sounds like. I am not mad at him anymore, I have forgiven him, and as bad as it sounds...I have all but forgotten him and I am ok with that.
On to the part you should REALLY be sitting for.....I joined the gym again. Not only did I join the gym but at 5am this morning I was climbing out of bed and by 5:30am I was at that said gym and walking my nonmorning, nonhappy self on the treadmill. I did 2 miles in 38 mins (which I will say that I am very proud of) and I came back home.
Getting up this early did allow for me to have a healthy breakfast at home, (it was DELICIOUS!!)
get my shower, get Jayden up and ready for school, and not have to go 70 mph down Hwy 5 to make it to work some where close to on time. (Maybe I am on to something here) :)
With my schedule morning workouts are so much easier so that is my goal. Maybe a class or 2 at night during the week, but mostly morning workouts it is. I've gotta get my butt in gear and get bathing suit ready before Charleston in April. I refuse to be the pale whale sitting on a towel in 6 weeks! The gym accomplishment (that's what it is, I must say that although it's day 1 of this routine, I am VERY proud of myself) brings me to todays blog topic...
Day 18 - What is something that you wish you were better at?
Running. I want to run again, be a better runner. I'm not talking running marathons or giving up my car for my legs because be serious here...no. I just want to be in shape and run, I want to enjoy exercising and the way that it makes me feel afterwards.
Now onto some pictures from my weekend.....
Her new Easter Dress!! She looks BEAUTIFUL!
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