Out With The Old....In With The New

So I had the best motivation I could probably ever get last night. I call it motivation but it really was the worst (and most needed) slap in the face that I could get. I have changed some things in my life but not what I NEEDED to change. We aren't eating out every meal like we were, and I am cooking fairly healthy meals at home now....on top of going to the gym a couple of days a week....but the biggest truth it, IT IS NOT ENOUGH. I ate Reese's Eggs for Easter along with french fries, and deep fried crap here and there. I have to stop. It is time for me to be the best me that I can be. The best parent to Jayden that I can be. I come from an over weight family and I'm done with that trend. I refuse to be Jayden's over weight mom. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be happy when I look in the mirror and not try, or turn away because of the mess that I see looking back at me.

So I left the gym in tears last night, and I cried off and on all night but today is a new day. I talked to a couple of my biggest fans (I will be honest, and am very thankful that they don't see me like I do but both are very supportive of me and my wants) and I cried with both of them and then I decided that I'm going to do something about it. Betsy told me that she knew where the tears were coming from, she knew how I felt, and rather than sit at home and cry to go walk and cry. To fix it. So last night (after telling her repeatedly that I didn't participate, only chickened out actually, in the 5k that I had been looking forward to because I didn't think I could even walk 3 miles) I started walking around my block. I put my headphones in and started walking. I walked the first mile and rather than stopping like normal I kept walking and with each step, lap, and then the second mile I just kept walking. I cried off and on, I was mad at myself and I was going to walk until I wasn't anymore. I ended up walking 3 miles last night. I cried because I did it. Because even though I didn't think I could, I did.

Getting off my butt and stopping feeling sorry for myself is the best way to fix this. There is no Reese's Egg that will make me feel better about myself than if I actually fix this monster that I have created. It has consumed me, made me feel ugly, not worthy, and a complete mess and it's time to kick him out and destroy him. Food is food, it's not important, we have to have it, but not all of the crap. As I keep being reminded, "I didn't do this to myself in a day, so it's going to take more than a day to fix it." So I'm fixing it....I'm starting it. I am WORTH it. I wore jeans yesterday that a month ago I couldn't even button....with that small victory and my 3 miles last night I am walking on and NEVER turning back.